For the first time in a while, I’m feeling right. Not sick. Not anxious. No belly full of butterflies, nausea in the pit of my stomach, afraid something is bad, bad wrong. I can’t put my finger on why exactly I was feeling that way, but that feeling has overtaken me for months, paralyzing me. Maybe it was just a string of random events, maybe it was just the winter doldrums. Does it really matter? I now feel like I can breathe, like there’s fresh ideas that might spring forth. When I look over and see Milo contemplating the Buddha, I can just laugh, feeling light and free and happy.

Filed under:
Day in the Life, Happy, just a picture, Milo, not just a picture, Observances, Stresses by Courtney

So this is a hard one to figure out where to start. It’s really hard to lose someone who’s been a part of your life for 30+ years. Who was always there, always supportive, always quietly in the background. And it’s rather funny to describe my Nin as quietly in the background – because when I think of her, quiet isn’t what comes to mind. Full of life, life of the party, ready to have fun – those are the things that come to mind. As I flip through pictures, and think about her more, quietly in the background, being supportive, saying “well, okay” with that smile that only she had – it wavered a bit, it was a little sly, but full at the same time – those are the things I see and remember now.

There are those stand out moments in my memory – dousing the Christmas tree in icicles, tinsel in a bunch, and she’d just smile and redistribute a little here, a little there. Playing “Bad Girl” on ZZ Top’s Eliminator tape over and over and over again, dancing like crazy in her living room, until we fell over in the floor, laughing, rewinding, doing it all again. The cakes – oh! the cakes – always my favorite baked when I came home, and a chocolate pie or two to send me back to college with. Going to Danny and Linda’s to swim, and later on going to her apartment’s pool to swim — even though she didn’t swim. She was really happy just to be there, in the moment, enjoying time with her family, with her grandchildren.

It’s really hard to say good-bye to all of that, even if it’s “for the best”. Even if she has eternal peace, it’s hard to not be selfish and say I want her back, as a part of my life. It’s really hard to think of how hard her life was; how unfair the end was. Quite frankly, the whole thing blows, and it feels much better to say it that bluntly.

So, I’ll try to remember “it is for the best”. She’s “in a better place”. Along with my grannies, along with her sister, and countless others. She’ll live on in my heart and in my memory, every time I hear “Bad Girl”, every time I see some flamboyant pants, every time I make her caramel icing, noodle casserole, or turkey gravy with some yellow food color. And every time I see a pink sunset, I’ll think of this past Wednesday, after her funeral, when we saw this angel in the sky, telling us it was a better place.

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Reminiscences by Courtney

The other day, I stumbled upon a this movie on Door Sixteen’s blog and man did it take me back to college. Freshman year, our foundation professor, Gretchen, showed this to us. I believe it was right before we had an assignment to photograph a sculpture we’d just built, to give us some insight into perspective. It’s a pretty cool video, though I remember being bored by the end. I get it already!! Let’s get on with the work!

As I watched this, I began to think of the other videos we’d watched in classes. (more…)

Filed under:
Commercialism, Movies, Others Art, Reminiscences by Courtney

The others will follow suit soon.

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just a picture by Courtney

Day of the Dead Altar, San Antonio

I’ve visited San Antonio once, and I was lucky enough to be there around the time of year when Day of the Dead, or Día de los Muerto, is celebrated. So in addition to getting to see such wonders as the Blue Hole and all of the missions, I also got to see many, many beautiful altars, erected for loved ones who are no longer with us physically. Many of the altars were for family members, but this was also shortly after Katrina, so there were quite a few dedicated to the victims of Katrina as well. (more…)

Filed under:
365 days of stories, My Art, Reminiscences by Courtney